Dear Abby. Dear Me.

While in the midst of a pity party my father posed the following question: “If someone dealing with the same issue contacted you, what would you say to them?” He followed with this advice: “Pretend you’re Dear Abby and answer them.” I pondered this idea and thought about how often I share my wisdom with others. I then realized that when in the midst of my own nightmares, that same wisdom eludes me. So, I took my father’s advice and wrote a “Dear Kimberly” healing letter.

Dear Kimberly,

Recently I found out that someone I considered to be one of my best friends has been lying to me about who he is and about his feelings for me for years. I confided in him, loved him, even invited him into my immediate and extended family, and they also embraced him. I thought he had integrity and was worthy of my respect. Now I know he was just a smooth con artist.

My soul hurts. I don’t know what to do with the pain. I feel like my picker is broken. I’ve known him for practically a decade, and now I question every word he spoke and his every action. It all appears to have been an orchestrated concert of deceit and manipulation to serve his need to have shelter, food, money, or a warm body when none other was available. I acted out of sincere friendship and love, and now I see that I have been like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, lost and believing in something that was not real. I am now trying to find my way home and out of this abyss of hurt, deceit and rage. How do I heal and come home?

Sincerely,

Me

Here is my response:

Dear Me,
First, be glad for clarity of vision. Sometimes, it’s hard to see what’s right in front of you which is why you didn’t heed the signs along the way. I suspect there were signs, but you chose not to see or believe them. You wanted to believe in the person you loved, and you weren’t ready to feel truth’s pain.

Loving someone is never a bad thing. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they will honor, appreciate, or even receive your love or treat you as their beloved. Love is not something we own, love is a power, a force that moves freely and, yes, love is shared among friends. You write that he was your “best friend.” I think you were his best friend, but he was never yours.

In order to be a friend to others, you must first be a friend to yourself. It’s likely he hasn’t yet learned this lesson. When you discovered the truth walked away, you were being a wonderful friend to you! You know what friendship feels like because you’ve practiced loving you.  You’ve looked in the mirror and stared truth down while feeling truth’s pain.  Kimberly, your “picker” is not broken; you just chose to befriend someone whose heart and soul is broken. You tried to fix it with your love and friendship but that is his work, not yours.

I know your soul hurts and right now, it is hard to believe you will feel whole and well again. But you’ve been here before. You know that what you are feeling right now will pass and become a distant memory without a tingle of pain and that only the lesson will remain. The blessing for you is getting the lesson.

I know you want him to hurt as much as you and revenge seems like your BFF right now. But he will experience what he needs to experience as he walks his life’s journey without any help from you. He, like you, like each of us, is in need of healing, and we chart our own course as we travel. We all have the blessing of intuition that whisper which is your God voice telling you to run the other way. When you don’t listen, you get hurt. This is not the first time you have experienced this lesson. Perhaps the pain of remembering the lesson will teach you to pay attention and to not ignore God when she is speaking to you again.

So keep your heart muscles moving, and allow this experience to make your heart stronger. In order to lose something, there must be something to win. You were the prize, not him. Your mind, soul and spirit are all intact. He took nothing from you because he gave you nothing; he did not make you, God did. You are God’s child and she wants you to keep showing up in the world as the vehicle of love that she made you to be. With God as your friend, you will not need to click your heels three times. All you need to do is let go of what is not of you. Remember, God and your ancestors dance because you are here, so you need to dance too, all the way home.