I am visually challenged. I can’t go to the bathroom in the morning without my glasses. If my dog were more obedient and less arthritic, she could double as my Seeing Eye dog. I went to the ophthalmologist the other day for my annual checkup.
Our conversation went something like this:
Doctor Eye: How are you seeing these days?
Me: Well, the good news is that I am seeing these days. I turned 40 a few months ago. Since then I notice that my distance vision is not as clear as it used to be. And, sometimes I need to hold things close, then far in order to read the fine print. Did I mention that sometimes I squint to see stuff?
Doctor Eye: How many hours do you spend in front of the computer each day?
Me: (without a trace of irony) A lot.
After nearly an hour of banter and tinkering with my prescription, Dr. Eye broke it down for me: I could adjust my current contact lens prescription and wear reading glasses for the next few months to remedy my far sightedness. He explained that year I would need to graduate to—wait for it—PROGRESSIVE LENSES. Reading glasses. Progressive lenses. Just to clarify, progressive lenses are lineless bifocals. Bifocals, AKA, OLD LADY GLASSES. Dear, sweet, merciful Jesus.
“I loathe narcissism, but I approve of vanity.”- Diana Vreeland
I’ll be the first to admit: I’m vain. However, it is not in the Carly Simon, “I bet you think this song is about you” way. When wearing glasses, part of me still hears the old Dorothy Parker quote: “Men seldom make passes at girls that wear glasses.” Contact lenses have allowed me to indulge my vanity for the last 20 years, making it possible to see when exercising, when in the water, and while wearing $5 sunglasses during the summer.
Reading glasses and progressive lenses conjured visions (no pun intended) of a blue-haired lady with cat-eyed glasses dangling from her neck on a chain, wearing a white Peter Pan collar blouse and cardigan sweater. I could just see it: the reading glasses and progressive lenses would come first, followed by orthopedic shoes. Within minutes my imagination consigned me to a lonely, progressive-lens-wearing existence shared with multiple cats and quiet nights filled with Lean Cuisine microwave dinners. After several minutes I put the brakes on the crazy train and dialed my voice of reason: Mom.
A DOSE OF COMMON SENSE
After chuckling at my latest “maturity related concern”, Mom said, “I told you, this stuff with vision happens like clockwork when you turn 40.” Then she advised me to buy several pairs of “fashion glasses” at Dollar Tree or CVS which would allow me to leave a pair in each room of the house and in each pocketbook and still look cute. Leave it to Mom to be frugal and fly.
After Mom’s dose of common sense I logged on to WarbyParker. Their prescription glasses including lenses and anti-reflective coating range from $95 to $145. I uploaded a picture and digitally tried on several pair of funky glasses. So I got a pair of red frames. And a pair of titanium ones. And some retro tortoise-shell frames that will allow me to credibly pull off my sexy librarian look. And just like that, I got a grip.
Muses: what do you think? Which is your favorite? Do you wear glasses as a fashion statement?
2 thoughts on “Old Lady Glasses, anyone?”